There are these three men in a desert dying of thirst. Off in the horizon they see a home and finally manage to strive to it. The first man goes up to the front door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old lady.

“C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?” he asks.

She replied, “Sure… if you have sex with me.”

The guy pukes all over the old woman and runs back to his friends.

“You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really disgusting old lady!” he tells them. “She said we could have water if I had sex with her.”

“Why didn’t you agree then?” asks he second guy.

“Because she was so hideous, I was sick and couldn’t do it!”

“Oh, you are such a wuss. I’ll go up to the door,” the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

“W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa……” He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

“Water? Yes, I have water,” she says meaningfully. “But you have to have sex with me.”

“AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!”

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

“What do you want for some water?”

“You have to have sex with me.”

Knowing that if he doesn’t do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the woman into her kitchen.

“Do me here,” she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and has an idea.

“Lay back and close your eyes. Keep them closed!”

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

“Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars.”

“Then lay back and close your eyes again.”

He does her with the second ear of corn until she is completely satisfied. Then he tosses it out the window. This time she doesn’t even open her tired eyes.

“If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert quickly.”

“Eyes closed then,” he says.

Then he does her with the third piece of corn. He manages to bring her to multiple orgasms.

“Ohhhhhhhhh…….. The water, money and Jeep are outside,” she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

The third guy runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He thinks where his friends are and drives around to find them. He discovers them by the window.

One of the friends says to him, “Hey, dude. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!”

After the incredible success of the Sarah Pailin Who’s Nailin Pailin, The Family Saga of ‘Keeping it up for the KardASSians’ Hustler’s Kardashians, Lary Flynt Came up with sizzling Untrue Holliwood Stories.
Here is my shortlist for the favorite Hustler Porn Parodies.
1. Number one is This Ain\’t Star Trek XXX. In this scene the starlet from Barely Legal Sasha Grey plays a Vulcan stricken with the “sickness”. The only way she can find satisfaction is to FUCK! Captain Kirk is more then happy to oblige by plunging his cock deep into her dripping wet pink pussy!

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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Try and guess as many female masturbation euphemisms as possible:

TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY…
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes … BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top Ten Things Women Would Do If They Woke Up And Had A Penis For A Day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his dick which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9……

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

“So did you follow him?” asks the pharmacist.

“Yup.”

“Where did he go?”

“Your house.”

Little John was sitting resolve some maths problems when the teacher asked him a question:
- If there would be 5 birds on the branch of a tree and i shoot one, how many birds would remain?
- Noone – said John – cuz one would die n fall and the other ones would fly away due to the shoot.
- Well, i was hoping you to say 4, but i like the way you think.
So, little John standed up and said.
- Excuse me, but i want to make you a question too: If there would be 3 women sitting and eating an ice cream, one of them would be licking it, the 2nd one would be bitting it, and the other would be sucking it….which of them would be married?
So the teacher blushed and ansered:
- Actually im not sure, but…. i guess the one that is sucking it.
- Wrong – said little John – the one that would be married should be the one that have a wedding ring in her finger…… but i like the way you think.

What do you call a blonde in an institute for higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFO’s have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look, Daddy…Doughnut seeds.

Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.

Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies, “Yes.”
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “For best results, put on two coats.”