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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

“Of course I won’t laugh,” the doctor said. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen.

It couldn’t have been the size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

“I’m so sorry, “Said the doctor, “I really am….. I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Fred replied

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.” ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

“Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh…can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered!”

Funny picture illustrating the 31st Anniversary of Brazil edition of Playboy.

One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, “Tonto I’ve been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do.”
So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?”
The doctor looks at Tonto and says, “You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim.”
Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks “What did the doctor say?”
Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says “Doctor say you gonna die!”

Lady Next Door With Daddy
This little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears thumping coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I wake up and hear you and Daddy making noises and when I look into your room your bouncing up and down on him.”
His mother replies with, “Oh,..well…ah…well I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that squishes his belly down and makes him thin again..”
The boy replies, “Duh, mom, that won’t work because the lady next door just comes over every day and blows him back up.

No Dwarf Nuns Anywhere (The Penguin Joke)

The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican, and got ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey led the pack.
“Dopey, my son,” said the Pope, “what can I do for you?”
Dopey asked, “Excuse me, Your Eminence, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”
The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, “No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”
In the background the dwarfs started giggling.
Dopey turned around and gave them a fiery stare, silencing them.
Dopey turned back to the Pope. “Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”
The Pope, puzzled again, answered, “No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe.”
This time, all the dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turned around and silenced them all with an angry stare.
Dopey turned back to the Pope and said, “Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?”
The Pope answered, “I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”
The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, tears running down their cheeks as they began chanting: “Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!”

Sex in Nature. No sex position is taboo for the… trees.