An 81-year-old man at the retirement home finally worked up courage to ask an 80-year-old woman out on a date. They watched “The Sound of Music” on tape in the home’s rec room, and had a delightful dinner in the home’s cafeteria. After dinner, he asked if they could sip some Metamucil in her room and, after a while, they slipped into her bed for a romp.
After their lovemaking, he laid back in the bed and thought, “If only I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle.”
She laid back and thought, “If only I had thought he was up to it, I would have taken off my pantyhose.”

A Love Story

I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,

The Flu
(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!)

Here is the bad humor joke for today.

A guy named Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife That the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

‘Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?’

Until he’s down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. ‘Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could…’

At this point the wife sits up and says, ‘Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning… You don’t

Lessons From A Dog’s Life

If a dog was your teacher, you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water, and lie under a shady tree.
When you’re happy, dance around, and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you’re not.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
When you are having a bad day, lick your balls

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!”

And the husband replied “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, ” but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish – 49
Adventurous – Slept with everyone
Athletic – No Tits at all
Average looking – Ugly
Beautiful – Pathological liar
Contagious Smile – Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure – On medication
Feminist – Fat
Free spirit – Junkie
Friendship first – Former slut
Fun – Annoying
New Age – Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded – Desperate
Outgoing – Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate – Sloppy drunk
Professional – Bitch
Voluptuous – Very Fat
Large frame – Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate – Stalker

This guy spotted a girl out in the street with the perfect tits and ran up to her and asks
- Sorry but I couldn’t help noticing your perfect breasts – would you let me bite them for a hundred dollars
- Fuck off
- How about a thousand
- No way, I’m not a whore!
- How about ten thousand?!
The woman thought for a while, after all that is a significant amount
- Well alright, but not right here.
So they walk into a dark alley around the corner, she takes
her blouse off and shows the most gorgeous pair of boobs in the world.
The guy starts fondling and caressing them, sucking
and kissing on the nipples, after a while the girl is getting a little impatient
- Are you going to finally bite them or not?!
- Nooo, ten thousand is a little too expensive for me

A now, a little Friday the 13th joke:

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

The name of today’s bad but hilarious humor is ‘Stranded’ It is about a bunch of people from both genders men and women stranded on desert island

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both “bloody wankers”.

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few liters of coconut whiskey they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.

There are these three men in a desert dying of thirst. Off in the horizon they see a home and finally manage to strive to it. The first man goes up to the front door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old lady.

“C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?” he asks.

She replied, “Sure… if you have sex with me.”

The guy pukes all over the old woman and runs back to his friends.

“You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really disgusting old lady!” he tells them. “She said we could have water if I had sex with her.”

“Why didn’t you agree then?” asks he second guy.

“Because she was so hideous, I was sick and couldn’t do it!”

“Oh, you are such a wuss. I’ll go up to the door,” the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

“W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa……” He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

“Water? Yes, I have water,” she says meaningfully. “But you have to have sex with me.”

“AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!”

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

“What do you want for some water?”

“You have to have sex with me.”

Knowing that if he doesn’t do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the woman into her kitchen.

“Do me here,” she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and has an idea.

“Lay back and close your eyes. Keep them closed!”

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

“Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars.”

“Then lay back and close your eyes again.”

He does her with the second ear of corn until she is completely satisfied. Then he tosses it out the window. This time she doesn’t even open her tired eyes.

“If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert quickly.”

“Eyes closed then,” he says.

Then he does her with the third piece of corn. He manages to bring her to multiple orgasms.

“Ohhhhhhhhh…….. The water, money and Jeep are outside,” she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

The third guy runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He thinks where his friends are and drives around to find them. He discovers them by the window.

One of the friends says to him, “Hey, dude. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!”