A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa.”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
“Jack Daniels and women with big tits,” the boy replied.
Revenge Is Sweet
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The waiting room erupted in applause!
Two Ladies Talking In Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer … we’d both still be alive.
“Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.”
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That’s right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.”
“Correct,” replied the randy doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked the woman.
“Yes,” she said, “You’re getting syphilis — which is why I came here in the first place!!”
A Little Explaining To Do
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset.
“You impotent bastard,” she screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!”
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, “I’ll explain the dildo … if you can explain our three kids.”
At this episode of Who’s Nailin Paylin Lisa Ann starring as Sarah Pailin is getting banged by two Russians
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.
We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snoggle and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It a mother and daughter threesome,” she said.
I said, “No.”
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: “Mum, you still awake?”
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Phil to see about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Phil told her, “Everyday after your shower, rub your nipples and say, ‘Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies’.”
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late for work, got on the bus and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the aisle and started chanting “Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.”
A guy sitting nearby asked, “Are you a patient of Dr. Phil’s by any chance?”
“Why, yes, I am. How did you know?”
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, “Hickory, dickory, dock … ”
Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary, to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked “How much for the teapot?” “That’s silver and it costs $100!” replied Carl. “My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it. From the back room Carl yelled, “Mary, how about some screws for that hinge?” “No way!!!” replied Mary. “But how about one and the teapot’s mine?”
