At this episode of Who’s Nailin Paylin Lisa Ann starring as Sarah Pailin is getting banged by two Russians

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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.
We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snoggle and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It a mother and daughter threesome,” she said.
I said, “No.”
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: “Mum, you still awake?”

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Phil to see about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Phil told her, “Everyday after your shower, rub your nipples and say, ‘Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies’.”
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late for work, got on the bus and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the aisle and started chanting “Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.”
A guy sitting nearby asked, “Are you a patient of Dr. Phil’s by any chance?”
“Why, yes, I am. How did you know?”
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, “Hickory, dickory, dock … ”

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary, to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked “How much for the teapot?” “That’s silver and it costs $100!” replied Carl. “My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it. From the back room Carl yelled, “Mary, how about some screws for that hinge?” “No way!!!” replied Mary. “But how about one and the teapot’s mine?”

An 81-year-old man at the retirement home finally worked up courage to ask an 80-year-old woman out on a date. They watched “The Sound of Music” on tape in the home’s rec room, and had a delightful dinner in the home’s cafeteria. After dinner, he asked if they could sip some Metamucil in her room and, after a while, they slipped into her bed for a romp.
After their lovemaking, he laid back in the bed and thought, “If only I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle.”
She laid back and thought, “If only I had thought he was up to it, I would have taken off my pantyhose.”

A Love Story

I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,

The Flu
(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!)

Here is the bad humor joke for today.

A guy named Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife That the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

‘Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?’

Until he’s down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. ‘Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could…’

At this point the wife sits up and says, ‘Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning… You don’t

Lessons From A Dog’s Life

If a dog was your teacher, you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water, and lie under a shady tree.
When you’re happy, dance around, and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you’re not.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
When you are having a bad day, lick your balls

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!”

And the husband replied “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, ” but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish – 49
Adventurous – Slept with everyone
Athletic – No Tits at all
Average looking – Ugly
Beautiful – Pathological liar
Contagious Smile – Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure – On medication
Feminist – Fat
Free spirit – Junkie
Friendship first – Former slut
Fun – Annoying
New Age – Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded – Desperate
Outgoing – Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate – Sloppy drunk
Professional – Bitch
Voluptuous – Very Fat
Large frame – Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate – Stalker